Posted in iNsideOut

Write through it. | 3

8 minute thought-write [type thoughts verbatim no deleting or correcting grammar. edit for visual style only]

If I let my mind wander what will I find? A rainbow? A duck. Happenings. Bittersweet undoings of epic proportions. When I think too much it leaves me rough and tumbling about without.. Cause for concern no I will earn and think of a way around. I like free thought write to get out tonight a way to stop overthinking. Never doubt myself but that is absurd. I wish. I wallow and forget to swallow or swish? I don’t know how about dish. The dirt it seems to be the way people entertain themselves. Other’s misfortune gets you popular for calling out the family on blast for being. No rules of decency yet new rules of standards of what is abusive language piss me off. Contradict probably. Hypocrisy no not on that at least. Haha. I will admit I’ve oft been a hypocrite but I will not defend my distances… |Made it 5 min 32 sec

Procrastination has left me very little time to fulfill a full thought-write of 8minutes and successfully post a blog post for day 3 of my 31 day goal. I’m ridiculous. Writing is suppose to be therapy and I’m forcing causing making it a struggle by over thinking, no that isn’t the issue I’m putting it off while I thinking about it and even deciding what to write about then giving myself not enough time to do so. I have an issue actually following through and completing goals and I am determined to make this one. There isn’t any real reason and I could even change it if I wanted to be a cheat and I’d justify it away before but now with my quest for honesty and brutal no bullshitness in my life I am crumbling I don’t mean being honest is doing that the word just popped in my head mid thought. I actually am exploring so much of myself in getting real and honest since I started this blog. I habe so much growth potential as a writer, a person a mom in doing so. That is something I’ve realized that my honesty with myself as to my goodness as a mother have never been a question in my head but I know writing my story they will be a question in others’ and that bothers me or gives me pause. Not to not share but I keep overthinking how to explain it so that I’m seen as I want people to see me and that is not the point. I don’t care what other people think of me because I know what is real and true and a big part of that is that even though I have used drugs throughout my life and as a parent I have been a great mom to my kids. While the past three years have kept us apart I didn’t make that happen and I didn’t change from before people got in my business and swore me to be such an amazing mother to when they knew that I dabbled in destruction a bit that meant I was unfit. My abilities and actions as a mom didn’t change. |8 min 42 sec

Hey look ma I made it!

So there it is and that is what I needed – to get honest. It’s a jumble and not fully explained by any means but I unpuzzled part of my overthinking-block. I like it. I have been trying to piece together how I can explain this part and that piece so that you have all of the information that I have had and see my perspective and then of course agree with me. But that isn’t why I want to write or what I want to write, that’s insecurities and fear and self doubt. I didn’t expect that I was fully past all of that, part of it is just being human and will always be part of writing and especially in sharing this part of my life. Until then I’ll be seeing you here on a bit more often but still check in with while I unblock my story.